You would think that in times of heartache and stress, a space for ourselves to vent and release would be the answer, but instead many of us cling to everything around us- be it people, music, the internet, whatever, as distractions that prevent us from the biggest fear of all... silence.
Silence means that we are forced face to face with ourselves, and this can not be pretty if , like me, your thoughts can lead you down a self depricating spiral of worry and ache.
But its okay if you have these people, sounds and visuals around 24/7 and you never have to be alone, but with recent events that I have encountered- that is exactly where I have been left- alone.
Now I am one for believing in the importance of self worth, and many could consider me quite a strong person. But knowing I have no one to rely on but myself to make myself happy again, is like someone saying you are responsible for making the whole human race happy again- it seems that impossible.
This picture was done my a young girl at one of my workshops, and stumbling upon it recently, I just think that it represents something so beautiful and true (and the fact that it was done by a beautiful, honest girl made it even more so) Because whilst many of us have closed off our ears (and our hearts) to ourselves and our thoughts due to heartaches, sadness, traumas or just general worries that hurt too much, with doing this we have also closed them to love and truth, and not just other's love and truth, but our own.
As I mentioned recent circumstances have made me come to terms with all this, most of which occured more recently then others. And whilst I was driving home, alone from a dramatic episode of sorts, Adele 'make you feel my love' came on the radio, not once but twice. And given that it is such a beautiful but sad song, and if you have heard it you will know what i am talking about, and if not ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng ) and given that I was highly emotional and sensitive to all things relationship-wise, I couldn't stop the tears from practically blinding me from the motorway.
But what I found most interesting was that on one hand I may have been crying about the situation etc, but mostly I felt i was crying for myself. When it comes to love songs, usually people assume it requires just that, a love. But what i found was that her words spoke to a different part of my heart and my soul, a part that has perhaps been on hold for a while, a part that is just for me, alone.
In the song, she sings "When the wind is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I can offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love," and even now it hits something so deep inside me- because whilst ive been so frightened of being alone (and besically of myself in general) I have blocked off the side of me that is my own shoulder to cry on. And if my heart could sing, it would sing this to me daily.
You can't find love in someone else, before you find it in yourself. This is a fact, I think, that we all wished were untrue, as when it comes down to it, saying 'I love you' is so much easier to say when it is not to your own face. And running and jumping into someones arms and saying 'God I have missed you,' is much easier when they are not your own.
So now I am facing my worst fear, and sitting in the silence that is my own company, and whilst I still feel like a bit of a headless chicken, not knowing what to do, now I have nothing to do but be with myself, I believe I will come out of this completely knowing and living what I (and my soul) love.
But isn't it funny that, me, who knows myself the best, and has been with myself since birth, is the person I would like to spend the least time with? How many people do you know who, quite literally, know you inside out? I dont know anyone who makes me laugh as much as I do.
So now I choose to let go of the distractions and embrace myself like an old best friend, saying "Hello you, it's been a while" and allow me to help me, and allow me to take me to the next chapter, and allow me to let me shine my light like a thousand candles...
As Adele sings "you ain't seen nothing like me yet."
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